Tag Archive | relationships

Lost Love

lost-love1

This is a quote that I absolutely hated when I was younger. I just could not understand the concept of being grateful for losing the person that you love. I was very young and naive back then…a huge fan of “true love”…a hopeless romantic. Now I’m older, wiser, and I have a bit more experience in that department. I have learned so many things in my 31 years of life that I feel like a completely different version of myself. Now I understand that quote, and even agree with it.

I have had two great loves in my life, and one unrequited love. The first one was when I was very young. I was so very in love that I couldn’t imagine being happy to have lost it. Well that love lasted a very long time, but it didn’t turn out the way that I wanted it to. It did produce my two beautiful children, so I will always appreciate everything about it…even the pain it has caused me over the years. There were many lessons learned from that love, and I’m honestly learning more and more everyday…years after it’s been over. He has turned into a person I could never imagine being with again, and sometimes I wonder how I could have ever loved him in the first place. My heart has turned cold to him and I doubt it will warm up again.

My unrequited love was interesting. He was younger than me, and not as experienced, but wise beyond his years. He is still in my life today, and I’m so very grateful for that. He broke my heart into pieces, but it wasn’t necessarily on purpose. He was just dealing with his own pain and wasn’t quite ready for what I wanted to share with him. The situation ended horribly, but again left me with so many lessons learned. The love I tried to share with him reached him, just not in the way that I wanted it to. What it did create was a life long friendship that I treasure deeply. Part of me will always love him, and always be afraid of the pain that could be caused by that love.

My last love was the big one. I think that I started to love him so very much simply because of how much he loved me. His love had to grow on me because it started when I was broken. I didn’t want to love him, didn’t want to be with him, yet somehow I ended up giving every part of me to him. It was shocking, intense, wonderful, scary and absolutely fantastic. This love unfortunately did not end well either. In fact, it did not end at all. The relationship is over, but the love will always be there. Love like that doesn’t just magically disappear. I truly believe that this type of love comes once in a lifetime, but not for everyone. Some people never find it. I was lucky enough to be loved unconditionally, and I honestly didn’t want to let it go. It was a choice of holding onto that love, or holding onto myself and my dignity. I chose me. I was very sad with this decision for a long time, but recently I’ve realized that I’m lucky. I now know what it’s like to feel love that is kind and true. I also know what it’s like to give that same love to the one that loves me. There is nothing like it in this world and I will forever appreciate it. This love may never find me again, and I can live with that. The lesson I learned from this love? It’s better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all…

Trouble

Every time I’m going through something in my life, a song comes out that seems like it was made just for me. Well the song of the moment for me is I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift. As much as I love my ex, I definitely knew he was going to be trouble the moment he told me he wanted to be more than friends.

TROUBLE WITH TROUBLEWhy do we do these things to ourselves? We see trouble coming from a mile away and say, this time it will be different. Or, he may have been trouble before but not with me. Are we lying to ourselves on purpose or are we just in denial? My particular trouble was a lot of intense, passionate fun mixed with turmoil and aggravation. I thought I could be the one to make him better. I was gonna be the one to get him to see what life is all about. In the end I just worked really hard to break my own heart right from the beginning. Lesson learned. I knew he was trouble when he walked in…did you?

Closure

I could say I did it to myself. I let my emotions get the better of me and exploded instead of calmly having a conversation. Now the situation has ended and I am looking for closure I will probably never get. As much as I need it I just can’t bring myself to take the necessary steps to get it. Bad words and actions on both parts have ruined any chance of that happening. So where do I go from here?

I have a wonderful person that wants to give me the world and I can’t bring myself to fully accept it. I also cannot completely return the gift of my whole heart the way he’s giving me his whole heart. I feel like I’m being completely unfair and am unsure what I should do about it. I have been living day to day feeling depressed and frustrated. Pushing everyone away every chance that I get. That is no way to live, and eventually I will run out of people that love me. So again I ask, where do I go from here?

What I’m doing right now is not working, and I’m at a loss when it comes to taking a step forward to get out of this rut I’m currently in. I guess what I’m saying is…HELP!!!!

Broken hearted once again…

Thought it would last forever? Never thought it would be like this? Wish you could go back and change just one thing?

If you’ve ever asked yourself any of those questions than you know exactly how I feel right now. Me and my now ex-boyfriend had one of the worst break-ups you could possibly imagine, so now begins the mourning phase. I have cried, texted, facebooked, cried, laughed, cried, raged, cried journaled, and cried some more. My friends have rallied for me like the wonderful people they are, so now I feel the next healthy thing way to mourn the end of my relationship is to blog.

It’s not that I wanted to break up, but have you ever felt like the other person just didn’t give you any other choice? I mean I tried everything I could think of to make it work, but one person a relationship does not make. It takes two to tango and my other half just wasn’t putting in the effort. So I left. Packed up all my things and moved out. Now I live with a good friend in a new town and I’m attempting to start a new life. Make better goals and try to achieve them as quickly as possible. Trying to stay busy and doing every single thing I can not to think about HIM.

Have any of you ever gone through this? How did you cope day to day? What can I do to make my days easier? My fall back plan is always to work as much as possible, try to stay on the phone with loved ones, watch movies, don’t listen to any music, and keep my sanity. But there are always those moments when there is nothing on tv, nobody is awake to talk to, and you just can’t go to sleep. Those are the crying moments. So as I shed more tears I ask, is there a right way to deal with it? Is there a wrong way?

Please do not misunderstand this blog. I am a strong, independent woman. But I’m also human, and I gave my heart to someone thinking he would treasure it forever. Things don’t always work out the way we want them to…broken heart