Tag Archive | love

Lost Love

lost-love1

This is a quote that I absolutely hated when I was younger. I just could not understand the concept of being grateful for losing the person that you love. I was very young and naive back then…a huge fan of “true love”…a hopeless romantic. Now I’m older, wiser, and I have a bit more experience in that department. I have learned so many things in my 31 years of life that I feel like a completely different version of myself. Now I understand that quote, and even agree with it.

I have had two great loves in my life, and one unrequited love. The first one was when I was very young. I was so very in love that I couldn’t imagine being happy to have lost it. Well that love lasted a very long time, but it didn’t turn out the way that I wanted it to. It did produce my two beautiful children, so I will always appreciate everything about it…even the pain it has caused me over the years. There were many lessons learned from that love, and I’m honestly learning more and more everyday…years after it’s been over. He has turned into a person I could never imagine being with again, and sometimes I wonder how I could have ever loved him in the first place. My heart has turned cold to him and I doubt it will warm up again.

My unrequited love was interesting. He was younger than me, and not as experienced, but wise beyond his years. He is still in my life today, and I’m so very grateful for that. He broke my heart into pieces, but it wasn’t necessarily on purpose. He was just dealing with his own pain and wasn’t quite ready for what I wanted to share with him. The situation ended horribly, but again left me with so many lessons learned. The love I tried to share with him reached him, just not in the way that I wanted it to. What it did create was a life long friendship that I treasure deeply. Part of me will always love him, and always be afraid of the pain that could be caused by that love.

My last love was the big one. I think that I started to love him so very much simply because of how much he loved me. His love had to grow on me because it started when I was broken. I didn’t want to love him, didn’t want to be with him, yet somehow I ended up giving every part of me to him. It was shocking, intense, wonderful, scary and absolutely fantastic. This love unfortunately did not end well either. In fact, it did not end at all. The relationship is over, but the love will always be there. Love like that doesn’t just magically disappear. I truly believe that this type of love comes once in a lifetime, but not for everyone. Some people never find it. I was lucky enough to be loved unconditionally, and I honestly didn’t want to let it go. It was a choice of holding onto that love, or holding onto myself and my dignity. I chose me. I was very sad with this decision for a long time, but recently I’ve realized that I’m lucky. I now know what it’s like to feel love that is kind and true. I also know what it’s like to give that same love to the one that loves me. There is nothing like it in this world and I will forever appreciate it. This love may never find me again, and I can live with that. The lesson I learned from this love? It’s better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all…

Letter to love

This is something that I wrote a couple of years ago that I think is appropriate for the way I’ve been feeling lately…hope you like it!

 

Dear Love,
 
I have always been good to you. I’ve always done what you needed. So why is it that when I need you the most, you cannot be here with me? I need you love, more than I’ve ever needed you before. I was searching for you even when I didn’t know you existed, and I found you once. That once was such a long time ago that you snuck away when I wasn’t paying attention. I’ve been searching for you ever since.
 
See love, things have never been easy for me. But for some reason I am filled with you, overwhelmed by you, and feel like I will not be complete without you. I can be content without you, I will actually be fine without you, but I don’t want to be content and fine. I want to be happy. I want to wake up in the morning smiling because I know that love is beside me. I want to wake up in your arms and hold you tight. I want to kiss you, I want to hug you, I want to laugh with you and cry with you, I want to make you, love.
 
So I ask, one more time, will you come and find me love? Will you seek me out and realize that I deserve the things I desire? Most people wish for money, fame, beauty, talent, and many other things, but I wish for you. See because I know with all of my heart that when we find each other, love, we can create our own fame and fortune, and we are already beautiful and talented. Together we are a force and we are unstoppable. I love you love, so why can’t you just love me back?

My Twin

I just love her so much that I had to blog about her. Now she may not be my sister in the traditional ways, but she is my sister in all the ways that count. I’ve never called anyone in my life my twin before, simply because it’s rare for me to meet someone that is so much like me.Snapshot_20121219_27When I first met her I didn’t make any efforts to be her friend, and too late now I realize that’s valuable time we didn’t get because of me. It’s ok because we have more than made up for lost time and now she’s stuck with me forever!! When the connection was finally made it didn’t take me long to realize that when I looked at her all I saw was me!! We started saying the same stuff at the same time, realized we danced alike, realized we love all the same stuff, some people even think we look alike.

I am a firm believer in soul mates, but not in the traditional sense. When I was younger I believed that a soul mate was the one person you are supposed to be in a committed relationship with for the rest of your life. Experience has taught me otherwise. Your soul mate can be male or female, friend or lover. Well I have found mine. The only person I need to be when I’m around her is me. That is one of the most fascinating, freeing feelings in the world. I don’t have to hide or be shy or put on a filter for being afraid of offending someone. She understands me without me saying a word. She’s probably already thinking what I’m thinking. LOL.

Twin, I will be leaving soon. So my message to you is always remember there is someone out there feeling how you are feeling, seeing what you are seeing, and thinking what you are thinking. Soul mates belong together for life, so even though I’ll be miles away, I will be your friend and twin until the end of time. I love you!!

Broken hearted once again…

Thought it would last forever? Never thought it would be like this? Wish you could go back and change just one thing?

If you’ve ever asked yourself any of those questions than you know exactly how I feel right now. Me and my now ex-boyfriend had one of the worst break-ups you could possibly imagine, so now begins the mourning phase. I have cried, texted, facebooked, cried, laughed, cried, raged, cried journaled, and cried some more. My friends have rallied for me like the wonderful people they are, so now I feel the next healthy thing way to mourn the end of my relationship is to blog.

It’s not that I wanted to break up, but have you ever felt like the other person just didn’t give you any other choice? I mean I tried everything I could think of to make it work, but one person a relationship does not make. It takes two to tango and my other half just wasn’t putting in the effort. So I left. Packed up all my things and moved out. Now I live with a good friend in a new town and I’m attempting to start a new life. Make better goals and try to achieve them as quickly as possible. Trying to stay busy and doing every single thing I can not to think about HIM.

Have any of you ever gone through this? How did you cope day to day? What can I do to make my days easier? My fall back plan is always to work as much as possible, try to stay on the phone with loved ones, watch movies, don’t listen to any music, and keep my sanity. But there are always those moments when there is nothing on tv, nobody is awake to talk to, and you just can’t go to sleep. Those are the crying moments. So as I shed more tears I ask, is there a right way to deal with it? Is there a wrong way?

Please do not misunderstand this blog. I am a strong, independent woman. But I’m also human, and I gave my heart to someone thinking he would treasure it forever. Things don’t always work out the way we want them to…broken heart

How I became inspired to read again

Yesterday I took a look at the freshly pressed blogs and came across one asking the question, “What Should Come First, the Movie or the Book?” As I began to write my answer to that question I immediately became inspired to write again! It’s been over two weeks since I’ve written anything because I had stress induced writer’s block, but I’M BACK!!! So I decided to blog my story of how I became inspired to read novels again.

I got married at the very young age of 20 in March of 2002. Less than a year later I was pregnant with my first child. I had always been the type of person to work two or three jobs depending on how great my bills were, and after my son was born I worked my little butt off to help my husband keep the bills in check. Unfortunately my greatest hobby had to be put on the baImageckburner, reading. I started reading novels when I was 8 years old. My cousins were visiting my grandmother’s house and they wanted to stay up late and watch a movie called “It”. I had no clue what it was but they told me it was a scary movie and I was immediately interested. My grandmother is a Jehovah’s Witness, which means those types of movies weren’t allowed in her household. Being kids that were determined to watch what we wanted to watch, we snuck out into the living room late at night and watched it anyway…or at least we tried to. Not very long into the movie at all (right after the first child was killed) my grandmother woke up and turned the television off yelling at us the whole time. I thought I would never get to see that movie after that.

Well, not too long after that I was with my other grandmother at garage sales and I came across a book (a very thick book) for $.25 called “It”. I picked it up and read the back of it, and it sounded like it was scary. I asked the person running the garage sale if that book was the same as a scary movie that I had previously attempted to watch, and she said it was. I excited ran over to my grandmother and begged her for a quarter so I could get this book and read it. If I couldn’t watch it on tv, I would at least get to read about it. She gave me my quarter and I almost died from the excitement. I don’t remember how long it took me to read the book, but I immediately started to read it (with a dictionary next to me) and loved every single minute of it. Every weekend after that I began to go to all the garage sales with my grandmother and look for this Stephen King person that wrote the book I was currently reading. Almost every weekend I came home with at least one more book I could read by Stephen King. Carrie, Cujo, The Stand, Dolores Claiborne and so many others. That is how I began my love affair with novels and reading.

A love affair that abruptly ended the day I decided to get married and have babies. From 2002 to 2008 I barely read any new novels. I never stopped buying them, but the ones I had just sat and collected dust on my bookshelf because I had no time to read them. Well, I always thought I had no time to read them. I was not married to the greatest man and he spent a lot of time ignoring me for video games, or being rude to me, or calling me names. I took my cousin to Borders one day because she wanted to buy the last book to some series by a new Author called Stephenie Meyer. It turned out that I had the authors first three books on my shelf collecting dust so I figured I could buy the last one and read them all when I had the time. Then she told me she heard they were being made into movies. I have always been the type of person to read the book before I watched the movie. Movies are never able to capture the details that are put into books, so I like to read the book first and get a picture in my head of how I think the story should be acted out. So I said I would try my best to at least read the first book before it was turned into a movie, and then I would eventually read the rest.

I went home and pulled all my books off my bookshelf so that I could search for Twilight, which she told me was the first book. Hours later I found myself back at my bookshelf desperate searching for New Moon and Eclipse. As soon as I picked up Twilight and started reading it I was unable to put it down until I was finished with it. Three days later I was done with the series and feeling very lost without something to read. I look at my bookshelf and didn’t want to read anything on it. I found myself back at Borders roaming around the Young Adult section looking for authors similar to Stephenie Meyer. I came across another woman that had just finished the Twilight books and wanted to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. She saw me standing there looking confused and asked me what was wrong. I told her I had just finished the Twilight series and was desperately searching for something else to read to fill the void. She suggested Harry Potter to me. That was a series I had never been interested in at all, but she guaranteed me that I would love it. So I bought the Sorcerer’s Stone and went home to read it. She was right, I loved it. So there began my love affair again, one that I have no walked away from since the day I picked up Twilight.

I guess my question is, do you often find yourself not doing the one thing you love to do because you think you have no time? If so, what is it and do you think you could try to make more time for it?