Every time I’m going through something in my life, a song comes out that seems like it was made just for me. Well the song of the moment for me is I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift. As much as I love my ex, I definitely knew he was going to be trouble the moment he told me he wanted to be more than friends.
Why do we do these things to ourselves? We see trouble coming from a mile away and say, this time it will be different. Or, he may have been trouble before but not with me. Are we lying to ourselves on purpose or are we just in denial? My particular trouble was a lot of intense, passionate fun mixed with turmoil and aggravation. I thought I could be the one to make him better. I was gonna be the one to get him to see what life is all about. In the end I just worked really hard to break my own heart right from the beginning. Lesson learned. I knew he was trouble when he walked in…did you?
This is something that I wrote a couple of years ago that I think is appropriate for the way I’ve been feeling lately…hope you like it!
I have always been good to you. I’ve always done what you needed. So why is it that when I need you the most, you cannot be here with me? I need you love, more than I’ve ever needed you before. I was searching for you even when I didn’t know you existed, and I found you once. That once was such a long time ago that you snuck away when I wasn’t paying attention. I’ve been searching for you ever since.
See love, things have never been easy for me. But for some reason I am filled with you, overwhelmed by you, and feel like I will not be complete without you. I can be content without you, I will actually be fine without you, but I don’t want to be content and fine. I want to be happy. I want to wake up in the morning smiling because I know that love is beside me. I want to wake up in your arms and hold you tight. I want to kiss you, I want to hug you, I want to laugh with you and cry with you, I want to make you, love.
So I ask, one more time, will you come and find me love? Will you seek me out and realize that I deserve the things I desire? Most people wish for money, fame, beauty, talent, and many other things, but I wish for you. See because I know with all of my heart that when we find each other, love, we can create our own fame and fortune, and we are already beautiful and talented. Together we are a force and we are unstoppable. I love you love, so why can’t you just love me back?
Thought it would last forever? Never thought it would be like this? Wish you could go back and change just one thing?
If you’ve ever asked yourself any of those questions than you know exactly how I feel right now. Me and my now ex-boyfriend had one of the worst break-ups you could possibly imagine, so now begins the mourning phase. I have cried, texted, facebooked, cried, laughed, cried, raged, cried journaled, and cried some more. My friends have rallied for me like the wonderful people they are, so now I feel the next healthy thing way to mourn the end of my relationship is to blog.
It’s not that I wanted to break up, but have you ever felt like the other person just didn’t give you any other choice? I mean I tried everything I could think of to make it work, but one person a relationship does not make. It takes two to tango and my other half just wasn’t putting in the effort. So I left. Packed up all my things and moved out. Now I live with a good friend in a new town and I’m attempting to start a new life. Make better goals and try to achieve them as quickly as possible. Trying to stay busy and doing every single thing I can not to think about HIM.
Have any of you ever gone through this? How did you cope day to day? What can I do to make my days easier? My fall back plan is always to work as much as possible, try to stay on the phone with loved ones, watch movies, don’t listen to any music, and keep my sanity. But there are always those moments when there is nothing on tv, nobody is awake to talk to, and you just can’t go to sleep. Those are the crying moments. So as I shed more tears I ask, is there a right way to deal with it? Is there a wrong way?
Please do not misunderstand this blog. I am a strong, independent woman. But I’m also human, and I gave my heart to someone thinking he would treasure it forever. Things don’t always work out the way we want them to…