All of Me

all-of-me-niki-sandsWhat you had was all of me. It wasn’t easy to give, and I didn’t know you were getting it when I was giving it. But now that it’s over, and now that I’m gone there’s a piece of me missing. You can’t give all without losing a bit of yourself and that is a hard lesson learned. The pieces of me that are still with you should be treasured. Loved. Honored. Don’t take them for granted the way you did me. All of me is what you had, so remember me by the pieces that are still with you.

Poetry

What-is-Poetry-WordleWhat is Poetry to you? For me, poetry is love. Poetry is life. Poetry is family and friends. Poetry is everything I’ve gone through that makes me the woman I am. Poetry is me. Without poetry in my life I would have moved on to insanity. Poetry is in the music I listen to and in the books that I read. It’s in the things we watch on television and in theaters. Poetry is EVERYTHING.

Poetry is in my tears and in my fears. Poetry is in the cries of a newborn baby and the doctor that delivered him. Poetry is in my heart, mind, body and soul. Poetry is creativity. It’s in food and wine. It’s in the art of making love. It’s in heartache and pain. Poetry is you and me.

Past love

my past loveI gave you my heart, mind, body and soul because I felt you deserved it. Maybe at the time you even needed it. I loved you with every fiber of my being because I couldn’t help it. When we were together nothing else existed, just us. Intense cannot even begin to describe our moments together, but it’s probably the closest word to how we felt. I know that you felt everything that I did, and I appreciate it. You gave me your heart before anyone else even knew you had one. Our souls matched through and through.

Now it’s over. I’ve felt pain, sorrow, anger, rage, sympathy, desire, and frustration. But one constant that I’ve felt through all of that is love. I want you to know that when I gave you my heart I wanted you to have it forever. Things don’t always turn out the way we want them to, but I’m so grateful for the very small amount of time we did have. You should know that you will always be in my heart even if I never see you again. When I think of you I laugh, I cry, I worry, and I wish things could have been differently. But most of all I just want you to be happy.

Many people always tell me I should just move on, but I’ve just never been the type. To give myself so completely to another is not something I take lightly. I will take the heartache any day if it means that I tried. I put myself out there and tried to be happy. And we were happy for a little while so that’s all that matters. We both have began the process of moving on with our lives, because we both know that the earth stops moving for no man. But I hope that you know that no matter how far apart we are, there is always someone out here that loves you for you. Be happy, be safe, and I love you.

Closure

I could say I did it to myself. I let my emotions get the better of me and exploded instead of calmly having a conversation. Now the situation has ended and I am looking for closure I will probably never get. As much as I need it I just can’t bring myself to take the necessary steps to get it. Bad words and actions on both parts have ruined any chance of that happening. So where do I go from here?

I have a wonderful person that wants to give me the world and I can’t bring myself to fully accept it. I also cannot completely return the gift of my whole heart the way he’s giving me his whole heart. I feel like I’m being completely unfair and am unsure what I should do about it. I have been living day to day feeling depressed and frustrated. Pushing everyone away every chance that I get. That is no way to live, and eventually I will run out of people that love me. So again I ask, where do I go from here?

What I’m doing right now is not working, and I’m at a loss when it comes to taking a step forward to get out of this rut I’m currently in. I guess what I’m saying is…HELP!!!!

My Emotional Rollercoaster

emotional rollercoasterThis is a great way to describe my life for the past two months. I feel like I have been to hell, back, then to hell again, and now I’m clawing my way back out. There have been so many changes in my life that I do not even know how to just stop and breathe fresh air.

I ended a very intense relationship a few months ago that broke my heart into pieces. At the same time I decided it would be best for me to move back home to New Jersey. I met someone else that is wonderful for me, but I’ve been unable to move forward because of the past. I left my best friends in PA and MD, and they were the source of my sanity for the past few months. I feel like pieces of me are just missing without them. The father of my children has a mission in life to make me miserable so I’ve been dealing with that since my arrival back home. I’m job hunting, running errands for other people, trying to make up for lost time with family and friends, meeting new people, doing everything except breathing. Well now I’m overwhelmed. I’m moody and sad and not wanting to be bothered by anybody at all.

I’m wondering if this is still the after-effects of my break up or if everything is hitting me like a ton of bricks right now. I think that my life is pretty hectic right now and maybe my mind is just starting to get tired. Any insight or advice on what I could or should be doing right now to relieve some of what I’m feeling? Have any of you gone through things like this and if so, how well did you handle it?

My Twin

I just love her so much that I had to blog about her. Now she may not be my sister in the traditional ways, but she is my sister in all the ways that count. I’ve never called anyone in my life my twin before, simply because it’s rare for me to meet someone that is so much like me.Snapshot_20121219_27When I first met her I didn’t make any efforts to be her friend, and too late now I realize that’s valuable time we didn’t get because of me. It’s ok because we have more than made up for lost time and now she’s stuck with me forever!! When the connection was finally made it didn’t take me long to realize that when I looked at her all I saw was me!! We started saying the same stuff at the same time, realized we danced alike, realized we love all the same stuff, some people even think we look alike.

I am a firm believer in soul mates, but not in the traditional sense. When I was younger I believed that a soul mate was the one person you are supposed to be in a committed relationship with for the rest of your life. Experience has taught me otherwise. Your soul mate can be male or female, friend or lover. Well I have found mine. The only person I need to be when I’m around her is me. That is one of the most fascinating, freeing feelings in the world. I don’t have to hide or be shy or put on a filter for being afraid of offending someone. She understands me without me saying a word. She’s probably already thinking what I’m thinking. LOL.

Twin, I will be leaving soon. So my message to you is always remember there is someone out there feeling how you are feeling, seeing what you are seeing, and thinking what you are thinking. Soul mates belong together for life, so even though I’ll be miles away, I will be your friend and twin until the end of time. I love you!!

The Virgo in Me

Astrology. This is a subject that can get many different reactions from people these days. There are some that think it’s all lies and a guessing game, others that will tell you they live their daily lives according to their horoscope, and there is the group that will tell you they know nothing at all about astrology. I have been all three of those. But being the person that I am (Virgo and all) I just had to see for myself and make my own decision about what I was going to believe.

After me and my ex husband separated I went on a journey of self realization. I wanted to know everything I could about me and my inner workings. Part of that journey was finding everything I could about my sign, Virgo. What I found shocked me a lot because it turned out that about 85-90% of what is written about Virgos is also very true for me.

Not every book, website or article will say the exact same thing about Virgos, but the common factors are unmistakable. Virgo is ruled by Mercury, along with Gemini. We are also an element of earth and are always described as mutable. We are always described as loyal, critical, perfectionists, worry worts, fact finders, over thinkers, health conscious, dependable, reliable, practical, sharp minded, shy, introverted, outspoken when it comes to right and wrong, and many other things.

dep_4841554-Virgo-Astrological-SignI have also met some other Virgos recently that are exactly like me in so many ways that it’s scary. What I’ve read about “the Virgin” is practically spot on when it comes to me. I’ve decided that even though astrology should not rule my life, it definitely helped me figure out so many things about myself and even how to deal with others. I now know why I tend to obsess over every little detail of something before I make a decision about it. Or why I just need to know everything about EVERYTHING! Lol. Most people never understand me when I tell them I have a difficult time sleeping at night because my mind just never shuts up. If I’m emotionally wounded as soon as I lay down to sleep my mind will jump right to the problem at hand and go over about 100 different scenarios of how it was supposed to turn out and why it didn’t turn out that way. Then I obsess over the mistakes that I made in the situation and how I could have done things better.

There have been many times where I found myself in a situation where I had a problem already solved in my head and knew exactly what steps everybody needed to take to resolve it. Only when I gave my idea nobody listened to me. So then I would sit back and watch chaos ensue knowing it all could have been avoided. What usually happens is they end up figuring out how to solve the problem…and it’s EXACTLY what I already told them should be done. That can be so frustrating sometimes. Am I the only one that goes through things like this?

Recently I found myself angry at how I give my whole heart in a relationship and always wind up shattered and devastated. I’ve been told by a friend recently that even the bible says to guard your heart. I don’t know how to guard my heart and be myself at the same time. I’ve always had a very giving, loving, nurturing spirit inside of me and I can sometimes feel like I’m drowning if I can’t share that with others. Well this is also another character trait of the Virgo. We are natural helpers and cannot actually feel normal if we’re not doing everything we can to help the people we love. When we love, we love with our whole hearts because we think that’s the most pure form of love. I’ve always been a believer that you either love me unconditionally or don’t love me at all.

The Virgo is the only astrological sign that is represented by a female. That being said, I would say we are the most emotional of all the zodiacs, even though a lot of people will never see that side of us. The people that never get to work their way into my heart tend to think I’m a cold, mean person. I don’t think I’m mean, I just think that sometimes I feel like I’m spread so thin caring about so many different people that I just don’t have any space for anybody new. Balance is something that has always been important to me, and usually other Virgos are the same way. I’ve read that most of a Virgo’s emotional turmoil is from always trying to control the chaos in and around us. Usually chaos comes in when we let outside forces throw us off balance and are left alone to pick up the pieces.

I guess the point of this blog is to try to make as many Virgos as well informed about yourselves as I am about myself. I think knowing that you aren’t the only one out there going through things, and that perhaps you aren’t alone in your struggles may make life easier on all of us. Also getting a little insight into the parts of your personality that you don’t understand or can’t see will always help you greatly improve any flaws you may be trying to correct about yourself. Overall I just want to say that I could definitely be considered a “typical Virgo” and I’m a lot to deal with. Even if many of the things I say or think are right, I need to give others time to catch up to me and figure out things on their own. Just because my mind works at a mile a minute that doesn’t mean everyone else’s does.

So tell me, are there any other Virgos out there that have all these crazy little quirks that drive you crazy? Or maybe you’re driving the people around you crazy? Or maybe they are driving you crazy? LOL. Whatever the situation is, even if you’re just reading this for fun, I hope you are more enlightened than you were ten minutes ago!