Archives

A Mother’s Love

I was just sitting here watching my two year old running around, getting that feeling that we get as parents watching our little ones live life. Thinking about how fast she’s grown, how much she’s learned and how truly amazing it is to create life. She is life number three for me. The third one to make it, not be created. My son is thirteen years old and as much as life is easier when they get older, it becomes more stressful and worrisome. High school is an important time because a lot of decisions about the rest of their lives are made there whether they realize it or not. He could meet his future wife soon, he will be in college in four years, he could have kids of his own ten years from now. All of these things are truly amazing and horrifying at the same time.

We all have hopes and dreams for our children, but they never really do what we want them to do. Lol. I am actually alright with that though. If my kids become morally sound adults that make a good living and are truly happy, I will feel like my life has meaning. I created people who made their little part of the world a better place, and who knows the amount of people they will affect along the way. Having children to me is how we get to live forever. We create generations of people and teach them the rights and wrongs of life and then hand the world over to them.

We also unfortunately hand them over to the rest of the world. They gain their freedom to completely make their own decisions, and we unfortunately have to watch all the mistakes and just try to help and be that constant in their lives that subconsciously allows them to make goals and achieve them. Lets teach our little ones that they are beautifully amazing, intelligent people who can get what they want out of life if they work hard for it. Then lets remember to teach them how to work hard, smart or both so they can have the lives we could never give ourselves.

Advertisements

Finding Love

They say when we find the one we will just know. Everything will just seem right. The relationship will be perfect, you will never even have an argument. Blah blah blah. They should have just told us the truth from the beginning. Yes, love is wonderful. Sometimes you are even lucky enough to just know when you’ve found that one person to love forever. You could even get a few months of bliss out of it in the beginning, but love is no fairy tale. It’s hard. Stressful. Exhilarating. Dramatic. Heart stopping. Electrifying. The list goes on and on. The point is, love is WORK.

I have found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is everything I didn’t even know I wanted in a man with a few extra bonuses. So why do I find myself being mad at him allllll the time. I laugh while I’m writing this because it is as true as it is not. He has his flaws, as we all do, and I have mine. I even find myself mad about things that came up in past relationships, I just realize that this time I’m willing to do absolutely everything I can to figure out why and fix it. I don’t want to leave, or start over with someone else, or take a break, or even be alone. I want him. I love him. I cannot imagine a world that he does not exist. Feeling this way I still wonder how it can work sometimes. Life can get in the way of such beautiful things at times, and we take them for granted.

I guess I am writing this for multiple reasons. I needed to get my own thoughts and feelings out in a healthy way, but also felt the need to let someone read this that maybe needed to. I made a promise to spend the rest of my life with this man. We aren’t married yet but the promise was still made. That means you stick around. You can be angry, upset, frustrated, confused, even hurt. But you stay. Talk it out, cry it out, hell yell it out. Take kickboxing, go jogging, find a relationship or marriage counselor, just find activities to let out frustrations so that you can calmly come back to each other and remember all the love that is there between you. When it is the right person, the hard work is worth it.

There are scary relationships out there with people getting truly hurt and losing their lives. Those aren’t the ones I’m talking about. If you find yourself in a situation like one of those the best thing for you is to get out. It could possibly be one of the most difficult things you have ever had to do, but it is going to end up being the best thing you do for yourself, and if you have any children them too.

If you find yourself up late like me frustrated and needing an outlet, send me a comment. If not, send me one anyway! Goodnight WordPress.

Blogging About Needing to Blog

Hello world. It’s me again. Always running back here when I feel the need to release so many things in so many ways and not really knowing how to do it. I’ve allowed the emotions to build up so much that they are now this mountain that I can’t see over or around, in the way of everything I am trying to accomplish. I just keep telling myself that the bad parts of life are there to make the good times feel even better. So I put my head down and live life day by day, trying to do the right things to bring on some good times.

Not that my life is all bad. I have three beautiful children that I love very much, a fiancee that i will love until the day i die, a job, and other aspects of my life that have recently changed for the better. I have learned to find the light in all the darkness so that i don’t get sucked too far in. I’m sure it’s not just me, but sometimes I feel like that darkness could swallow me whole. Sometimes I want to let it. Fortunately I’ve never been the type to go down without a fight. So today I’ve decided to fight with words. Here. Among others who may feel the same or have felt the same at one time. I haven’t been able to write a thing in years, but maybe writing this can spark something inside of me that will bring me right back here tomorrow. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed you.

Trayvon Martin verdict

Image

Let me first begin by stating that no matter what happened on that fateful day, Trayvon’s death is a tragedy. There are many people out there with the statement “get over it” or “move on” or even the shameless “black kids are murdered everyday, so what’s the big deal?” To these statements I think the people saying them should truly be ashamed of themselves. Every senseless death is a tragedy to the families of the people that they happen to, and to say any of those things regarding the loss of a person’s loved one is insensitive, rude and disrespectful. To any family that has lost a person senselessly and tragically my heart goes out to you. I apologize for the ignorant thoughts and words that come from some of the people that live in this country, but there are still people out here that care.

Now as for the verdict in the case against George Zimmerman, I think our country and the state of Florida should be ashamed of the laws they have set in place that says a person can murder another person and get off scott free because they claim self defense. I would also like to add that as minorities we have the tendency to not register to vote, and if we are registered we still don’t get out and take advantage of our opportunities to vote. I feel that voting would have put the correct people in place to avoid situations like this from happening.

The facts are as follows: George Zimmerman stalked and profiled Trayvon Martin, the police told Zimmerman that he was not to follow Trayvon, Trayvon did not have any weapons on him, Trayvon did not have any stolen property or drugs on him, Zimmerman lied repeatedly about the events surrounding the shooting, the prosecution did not know what they were doing and destroyed the case, Trayvon was wearing a hoodie simply because it was raining outside, the police department waited three days to tell Trayvon’s father that he was killed even though they knew the same day it happened, Zimmerman created the situation that he put himself in when he needed to defend himself, and this country has failed Trayvon Martin and his family.

One thing that many people don’t understand is if the situation had happened in any number of other states, Zimmerman would be in jail for life. Unfortunately it happened in a state that gives people a license to kill at will. If we are to get any messages across, they should be positive ones. Have peaceful rallies, move your children to a neighborhood they can feel safe in, talk with your children about this situation and what can be done to stop things like this from happening in the future, register to vote, get out and vote when the opportunity comes, boycott Florida, and please don’t make the situation worse with violence.

I have been sick to my stomach about Zimmerman being a free man, but I am a believer in karma. I don’t think that his life will ever be the same, and there won’t be many places he can go in this country that will allow him to be happy. Justice will be delivered to him through the karma he put out by taking the life of an innocent child. If you cannot have faith in anything else, have faith in that.

Lost Love

lost-love1

This is a quote that I absolutely hated when I was younger. I just could not understand the concept of being grateful for losing the person that you love. I was very young and naive back then…a huge fan of “true love”…a hopeless romantic. Now I’m older, wiser, and I have a bit more experience in that department. I have learned so many things in my 31 years of life that I feel like a completely different version of myself. Now I understand that quote, and even agree with it.

I have had two great loves in my life, and one unrequited love. The first one was when I was very young. I was so very in love that I couldn’t imagine being happy to have lost it. Well that love lasted a very long time, but it didn’t turn out the way that I wanted it to. It did produce my two beautiful children, so I will always appreciate everything about it…even the pain it has caused me over the years. There were many lessons learned from that love, and I’m honestly learning more and more everyday…years after it’s been over. He has turned into a person I could never imagine being with again, and sometimes I wonder how I could have ever loved him in the first place. My heart has turned cold to him and I doubt it will warm up again.

My unrequited love was interesting. He was younger than me, and not as experienced, but wise beyond his years. He is still in my life today, and I’m so very grateful for that. He broke my heart into pieces, but it wasn’t necessarily on purpose. He was just dealing with his own pain and wasn’t quite ready for what I wanted to share with him. The situation ended horribly, but again left me with so many lessons learned. The love I tried to share with him reached him, just not in the way that I wanted it to. What it did create was a life long friendship that I treasure deeply. Part of me will always love him, and always be afraid of the pain that could be caused by that love.

My last love was the big one. I think that I started to love him so very much simply because of how much he loved me. His love had to grow on me because it started when I was broken. I didn’t want to love him, didn’t want to be with him, yet somehow I ended up giving every part of me to him. It was shocking, intense, wonderful, scary and absolutely fantastic. This love unfortunately did not end well either. In fact, it did not end at all. The relationship is over, but the love will always be there. Love like that doesn’t just magically disappear. I truly believe that this type of love comes once in a lifetime, but not for everyone. Some people never find it. I was lucky enough to be loved unconditionally, and I honestly didn’t want to let it go. It was a choice of holding onto that love, or holding onto myself and my dignity. I chose me. I was very sad with this decision for a long time, but recently I’ve realized that I’m lucky. I now know what it’s like to feel love that is kind and true. I also know what it’s like to give that same love to the one that loves me. There is nothing like it in this world and I will forever appreciate it. This love may never find me again, and I can live with that. The lesson I learned from this love? It’s better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all…

Just Friends…

If I knew then what I know now, things would probably be different. I wanted your heart, I wanted your love, I wanted your affection. I gave you all of that from me and was met with rejection. I was angry, I was hurt, I didn’t understand. How could you not want what I was giving so willingly. I wanted you and you wanted to be “just friends.”

Image

At the time I figured I would take whatever I could get, I didn’t realize exactly what you meant. What you really meant was “I don’t know what I want” or maybe “I don’t want you right now” or possibly “Give me some time”. I was older so I should have realized, you were just as distraught and confused as I was. You were stressed and just needed someone to depend on, whether you realized it or not. I was hurt and needed someone to love me. The very thing I needed from you was the only thing you couldn’t give me. But I demanded it. I wanted it and needed it and was going to get it at all costs. I was fighting a losing battle.

We ended in disaster before we even had a chance to begin. Why couldn’t I just give you your friend? The time we had will always be cherished and remembered, but it will also be tainted. You and I both walked away with pain and tears. It didn’t have to be that way. We were the true definition of what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. The best thing we could do is learn the lesson life taught us from each other and hope for the best. You were my friend, and I was yours. You were my lover, but I needed so much more. You never wanted the attachment that I created, and now I understand why. You just didn’t realize that I knew I could live without you, I just didn’t want to.

What I want you to know is that my love for you was true. You were one of the best men to walk into my life, and you never made it to being my boyfriend. I would have done anything and everything to be that one girl for you. I’m sorry for the pain I caused and the path of destruction I left behind. If I could go back and make changes I would. But life isn’t about living with regret, it’s about gaining knowledge. What I learned is that when a person says he wants to be just friends, maybe I should listen. My heart will always be big enough to have you in it, no matter where life takes me. I am now and forever your friend, and I know you are mine.

Alone

Image

Alone does not seem so bad when the world has done you so wrong. I think this time alone is exactly where I need to be. All the trust is in me. If I fail this time there is nobody to blame but myself. I have gone through life hurt and angry at the people I’ve allowed to treat me badly, but this time I would like to say thank you. Thank you for giving me the chance to be alone.

Alone is how we are born and alone is how we die. Alone gives me a chance to think, a chance to reminisce, a chance to cry. Alone allows me to dance around my living room without worrying about who is watching, and then fall down laughing at my own joy.

I don’t always want to be alone, but when I am I end up grateful. I have found me. The true me. And I love everything I have turned out to be. She is fantastic, she is beautiful, she is funny. She is learning how to enjoy the things that were overlooked and ignored when she wasn’t alone. She is smiling, she is happy, she is me.

Alone does not seem so bad when the world has done you so wrong, because you learn how to turn all that wrong into exactly right. Alone is where I want to be.