Archive | February 2013

Lost Love

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This is a quote that I absolutely hated when I was younger. I just could not understand the concept of being grateful for losing the person that you love. I was very young and naive back then…a huge fan of “true love”…a hopeless romantic. Now I’m older, wiser, and I have a bit more experience in that department. I have learned so many things in my 31 years of life that I feel like a completely different version of myself. Now I understand that quote, and even agree with it.

I have had two great loves in my life, and one unrequited love. The first one was when I was very young. I was so very in love that I couldn’t imagine being happy to have lost it. Well that love lasted a very long time, but it didn’t turn out the way that I wanted it to. It did produce my two beautiful children, so I will always appreciate everything about it…even the pain it has caused me over the years. There were many lessons learned from that love, and I’m honestly learning more and more everyday…years after it’s been over. He has turned into a person I could never imagine being with again, and sometimes I wonder how I could have ever loved him in the first place. My heart has turned cold to him and I doubt it will warm up again.

My unrequited love was interesting. He was younger than me, and not as experienced, but wise beyond his years. He is still in my life today, and I’m so very grateful for that. He broke my heart into pieces, but it wasn’t necessarily on purpose. He was just dealing with his own pain and wasn’t quite ready for what I wanted to share with him. The situation ended horribly, but again left me with so many lessons learned. The love I tried to share with him reached him, just not in the way that I wanted it to. What it did create was a life long friendship that I treasure deeply. Part of me will always love him, and always be afraid of the pain that could be caused by that love.

My last love was the big one. I think that I started to love him so very much simply because of how much he loved me. His love had to grow on me because it started when I was broken. I didn’t want to love him, didn’t want to be with him, yet somehow I ended up giving every part of me to him. It was shocking, intense, wonderful, scary and absolutely fantastic. This love unfortunately did not end well either. In fact, it did not end at all. The relationship is over, but the love will always be there. Love like that doesn’t just magically disappear. I truly believe that this type of love comes once in a lifetime, but not for everyone. Some people never find it. I was lucky enough to be loved unconditionally, and I honestly didn’t want to let it go. It was a choice of holding onto that love, or holding onto myself and my dignity. I chose me. I was very sad with this decision for a long time, but recently I’ve realized that I’m lucky. I now know what it’s like to feel love that is kind and true. I also know what it’s like to give that same love to the one that loves me. There is nothing like it in this world and I will forever appreciate it. This love may never find me again, and I can live with that. The lesson I learned from this love? It’s better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all…

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Just Friends…

If I knew then what I know now, things would probably be different. I wanted your heart, I wanted your love, I wanted your affection. I gave you all of that from me and was met with rejection. I was angry, I was hurt, I didn’t understand. How could you not want what I was giving so willingly. I wanted you and you wanted to be “just friends.”

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At the time I figured I would take whatever I could get, I didn’t realize exactly what you meant. What you really meant was “I don’t know what I want” or maybe “I don’t want you right now” or possibly “Give me some time”. I was older so I should have realized, you were just as distraught and confused as I was. You were stressed and just needed someone to depend on, whether you realized it or not. I was hurt and needed someone to love me. The very thing I needed from you was the only thing you couldn’t give me. But I demanded it. I wanted it and needed it and was going to get it at all costs. I was fighting a losing battle.

We ended in disaster before we even had a chance to begin. Why couldn’t I just give you your friend? The time we had will always be cherished and remembered, but it will also be tainted. You and I both walked away with pain and tears. It didn’t have to be that way. We were the true definition of what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. The best thing we could do is learn the lesson life taught us from each other and hope for the best. You were my friend, and I was yours. You were my lover, but I needed so much more. You never wanted the attachment that I created, and now I understand why. You just didn’t realize that I knew I could live without you, I just didn’t want to.

What I want you to know is that my love for you was true. You were one of the best men to walk into my life, and you never made it to being my boyfriend. I would have done anything and everything to be that one girl for you. I’m sorry for the pain I caused and the path of destruction I left behind. If I could go back and make changes I would. But life isn’t about living with regret, it’s about gaining knowledge. What I learned is that when a person says he wants to be just friends, maybe I should listen. My heart will always be big enough to have you in it, no matter where life takes me. I am now and forever your friend, and I know you are mine.

Alone

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Alone does not seem so bad when the world has done you so wrong. I think this time alone is exactly where I need to be. All the trust is in me. If I fail this time there is nobody to blame but myself. I have gone through life hurt and angry at the people I’ve allowed to treat me badly, but this time I would like to say thank you. Thank you for giving me the chance to be alone.

Alone is how we are born and alone is how we die. Alone gives me a chance to think, a chance to reminisce, a chance to cry. Alone allows me to dance around my living room without worrying about who is watching, and then fall down laughing at my own joy.

I don’t always want to be alone, but when I am I end up grateful. I have found me. The true me. And I love everything I have turned out to be. She is fantastic, she is beautiful, she is funny. She is learning how to enjoy the things that were overlooked and ignored when she wasn’t alone. She is smiling, she is happy, she is me.

Alone does not seem so bad when the world has done you so wrong, because you learn how to turn all that wrong into exactly right. Alone is where I want to be.

Coming to My Senses

I don’t know what took me so long to realize that I deserve more. Better. I realized it enough to leave, but not enough to stop caring. Well now I’ve come to my senses! Say what you want, do what you will…because at the end of the day I know I tried. I was wonderful and you just weren’t. I was loyal and you were lazy. I was devoted and you were ungrateful. Now you are her problem, and I’m laughing. She now has what I ran away from and I wish her nothing but luck, because she is going to need it. The day will come when you realize what I have known all along, I’m an awesome woman and you were lucky to ever have me. Deuces.