Archive | January 2013

Trouble

Every time I’m going through something in my life, a song comes out that seems like it was made just for me. Well the song of the moment for me is I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift. As much as I love my ex, I definitely knew he was going to be trouble the moment he told me he wanted to be more than friends.

TROUBLE WITH TROUBLEWhy do we do these things to ourselves? We see trouble coming from a mile away and say, this time it will be different. Or, he may have been trouble before but not with me. Are we lying to ourselves on purpose or are we just in denial? My particular trouble was a lot of intense, passionate fun mixed with turmoil and aggravation. I thought I could be the one to make him better. I was gonna be the one to get him to see what life is all about. In the end I just worked really hard to break my own heart right from the beginning. Lesson learned. I knew he was trouble when he walked in…did you?

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Letter to love

This is something that I wrote a couple of years ago that I think is appropriate for the way I’ve been feeling lately…hope you like it!

 

Dear Love,
 
I have always been good to you. I’ve always done what you needed. So why is it that when I need you the most, you cannot be here with me? I need you love, more than I’ve ever needed you before. I was searching for you even when I didn’t know you existed, and I found you once. That once was such a long time ago that you snuck away when I wasn’t paying attention. I’ve been searching for you ever since.
 
See love, things have never been easy for me. But for some reason I am filled with you, overwhelmed by you, and feel like I will not be complete without you. I can be content without you, I will actually be fine without you, but I don’t want to be content and fine. I want to be happy. I want to wake up in the morning smiling because I know that love is beside me. I want to wake up in your arms and hold you tight. I want to kiss you, I want to hug you, I want to laugh with you and cry with you, I want to make you, love.
 
So I ask, one more time, will you come and find me love? Will you seek me out and realize that I deserve the things I desire? Most people wish for money, fame, beauty, talent, and many other things, but I wish for you. See because I know with all of my heart that when we find each other, love, we can create our own fame and fortune, and we are already beautiful and talented. Together we are a force and we are unstoppable. I love you love, so why can’t you just love me back?

All of Me

all-of-me-niki-sandsWhat you had was all of me. It wasn’t easy to give, and I didn’t know you were getting it when I was giving it. But now that it’s over, and now that I’m gone there’s a piece of me missing. You can’t give all without losing a bit of yourself and that is a hard lesson learned. The pieces of me that are still with you should be treasured. Loved. Honored. Don’t take them for granted the way you did me. All of me is what you had, so remember me by the pieces that are still with you.

Poetry

What-is-Poetry-WordleWhat is Poetry to you? For me, poetry is love. Poetry is life. Poetry is family and friends. Poetry is everything I’ve gone through that makes me the woman I am. Poetry is me. Without poetry in my life I would have moved on to insanity. Poetry is in the music I listen to and in the books that I read. It’s in the things we watch on television and in theaters. Poetry is EVERYTHING.

Poetry is in my tears and in my fears. Poetry is in the cries of a newborn baby and the doctor that delivered him. Poetry is in my heart, mind, body and soul. Poetry is creativity. It’s in food and wine. It’s in the art of making love. It’s in heartache and pain. Poetry is you and me.

Past love

my past loveI gave you my heart, mind, body and soul because I felt you deserved it. Maybe at the time you even needed it. I loved you with every fiber of my being because I couldn’t help it. When we were together nothing else existed, just us. Intense cannot even begin to describe our moments together, but it’s probably the closest word to how we felt. I know that you felt everything that I did, and I appreciate it. You gave me your heart before anyone else even knew you had one. Our souls matched through and through.

Now it’s over. I’ve felt pain, sorrow, anger, rage, sympathy, desire, and frustration. But one constant that I’ve felt through all of that is love. I want you to know that when I gave you my heart I wanted you to have it forever. Things don’t always turn out the way we want them to, but I’m so grateful for the very small amount of time we did have. You should know that you will always be in my heart even if I never see you again. When I think of you I laugh, I cry, I worry, and I wish things could have been differently. But most of all I just want you to be happy.

Many people always tell me I should just move on, but I’ve just never been the type. To give myself so completely to another is not something I take lightly. I will take the heartache any day if it means that I tried. I put myself out there and tried to be happy. And we were happy for a little while so that’s all that matters. We both have began the process of moving on with our lives, because we both know that the earth stops moving for no man. But I hope that you know that no matter how far apart we are, there is always someone out here that loves you for you. Be happy, be safe, and I love you.

Closure

I could say I did it to myself. I let my emotions get the better of me and exploded instead of calmly having a conversation. Now the situation has ended and I am looking for closure I will probably never get. As much as I need it I just can’t bring myself to take the necessary steps to get it. Bad words and actions on both parts have ruined any chance of that happening. So where do I go from here?

I have a wonderful person that wants to give me the world and I can’t bring myself to fully accept it. I also cannot completely return the gift of my whole heart the way he’s giving me his whole heart. I feel like I’m being completely unfair and am unsure what I should do about it. I have been living day to day feeling depressed and frustrated. Pushing everyone away every chance that I get. That is no way to live, and eventually I will run out of people that love me. So again I ask, where do I go from here?

What I’m doing right now is not working, and I’m at a loss when it comes to taking a step forward to get out of this rut I’m currently in. I guess what I’m saying is…HELP!!!!

My Emotional Rollercoaster

emotional rollercoasterThis is a great way to describe my life for the past two months. I feel like I have been to hell, back, then to hell again, and now I’m clawing my way back out. There have been so many changes in my life that I do not even know how to just stop and breathe fresh air.

I ended a very intense relationship a few months ago that broke my heart into pieces. At the same time I decided it would be best for me to move back home to New Jersey. I met someone else that is wonderful for me, but I’ve been unable to move forward because of the past. I left my best friends in PA and MD, and they were the source of my sanity for the past few months. I feel like pieces of me are just missing without them. The father of my children has a mission in life to make me miserable so I’ve been dealing with that since my arrival back home. I’m job hunting, running errands for other people, trying to make up for lost time with family and friends, meeting new people, doing everything except breathing. Well now I’m overwhelmed. I’m moody and sad and not wanting to be bothered by anybody at all.

I’m wondering if this is still the after-effects of my break up or if everything is hitting me like a ton of bricks right now. I think that my life is pretty hectic right now and maybe my mind is just starting to get tired. Any insight or advice on what I could or should be doing right now to relieve some of what I’m feeling? Have any of you gone through things like this and if so, how well did you handle it?